


and now I just sit in silence

by Jay_Maria



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-01-24 22:29:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21345802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Maria/pseuds/Jay_Maria
Summary: how do you move forward when you can’t stop falling? when there is nothing to hold you up, nothing to live and nothing to die forSet after the events of the Kings Men, showcasing Jean Moreau’s journey with the Trojans, with Jeremy, and with himself
Relationships: Alvarez/Laila Dermott, Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	1. Alone

_"Maman, qu'est-ce qui se passe? Maman qu'est ce que tu fais? Maman! Je ne veux pas y aller! Maman! S'il te plaît maman. Arrêtez-les maman je veux rentrer à la maison! S'il vous plaît!" cried Jean as the strange man's hands forcefully wrapped themselves around his arms, tugging him toward the door. _

_He fought as hard as his twelve year old body could manage, struggling fruitlessly against the man at his back. _

_He didn't understand what was happening. His mother and Father had been distant for quite some time, an action not unusual for his Father but strange coming from his mother. _

_He looks at her, his eyes pleading behind the tears he knows better than to shed._

_"Maman s'il te plait, je ne veux pas y aller!" Jean screamed at her. His mother didn't move an inch. Her posture as sure as always, the only sign of her distress apparent in the trembling in her fingers that she tried desperately to hide behind her dress._

_True panic began to set in when he realised that she would not help him. In a futile last attempt he called to his Father._

_ "Père s'il te plait!".  
_

_His Father continued to look on with mild distain. He didn't look angry or even satisfied, instead his expression was one of mild annoyance, indifference. Like the selling of his only son was nothing but a minor inconvenience that he just wanted to check off his list for the day._

_All at once the truth of the situation began to hit him. _

_No one was going to help him._

_He was alone._

~~~

_Notes:_

_Hey guys so this is my first all for the game fanfiction! I've been a fan of the series for a couple years but was mostly focused on Andrew and Neil(can you blame me) so when I recently re-read the books I was extremely interested in the relationship between Jean and other character such as Neil, Kevin, Riko, and Jeremy. Despite being a pretty pivotal part of the history of the story Jean isn't given much content but the little he is given makes me desperate for more._

_So that's what this story is. An exploration into Jean's relationships, history, and his future with the Trojans. Any content not directly taken from the books or Nora's extra content is mine._

_Also this is unbetaed so please let me know if there are any mistakes, especially with the french(google translate y'all)._

_Warnings will be at the beginning of each chapter but this is an AFTG fan fiction so that is basically its own warning._

_~_

_Maman, qu'est-ce qui se passe? Maman qu'est ce que tu fais? Maman! Je ne veux pas y aller! Maman! S'il te plaît maman. Arrêtez-les maman je veux rentrer à la maison! S'il vous plaît! _Mama what's going on? Mama what are you doing? Mama! I don't wanna go! Mom! Please mom. Stop them mama I want to go home! Please!

_Maman s'il te plait, je ne veux pas y aller! Père s'il te plait! _ Mom please, I dont wanna go! Father please!


	2. all we do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I hope your as excited about this fic as me:) No warnings for this chapter I believe but let me know if I missed something.  
Song: All we do by oh wonder and silence by marshmallow and Khalid. I'm making a playlist for this fic, let me know if you want the link once i get it underway

Alone.

It's strange, Jean always knew he was alone. Even when he was in the Nest, surrounded by the Ravens he always felt separate. Despite never being without another Raven in sight of him he was alone, separate, lost.

But once his plane lands in California he questions if he ever really knew the meaning of that word. Can you actually be alone when you aren't a person? No you can't. Nothing in his life was his own. He existed solely for those he had called master.

But Riko is gone now. Dead and gone. Six feet under. It doesn't even seem real. He wouldn't believe it if he hadn't heard the words from Neil, and the terrifying confirmation from Ichirou Moriyama himself. 

Riko is gone.

Just like that.

It feels too easy. Nothing could ever reach Riko. He was immortal, everlasting, a constant. And now he's gone, in an instant, as simple as a gun shot. 

The irony of it doesn't escape Jean.

All at once the chains around his neck had loosened and he found himself more terrified than he could have ever imagined feeling. 

His life at the Nest was horrific but it was predictable, one could learn the power dynamics and complexities at the Nest and prepare themselves.

But that security had been pulled out from under his feet the second he left Edgar Allen and now he has found himself in California just as terrified and angry as the first day he had arrived at the Nest, and this time he doesn't possess the naiveté that allowed him to survive the first few years at the Nest. 

He thought he was alone before, but he never really was, even if he wanted to be, you cannot be alone when you are property. 

But here he was, without his master, without his chains. Truly alone and lifeless.

It shouldn't feel worse.

He skips past baggage claim before making his way toward the exit. The few things he had were shoved inside the backpack that hung over his shoulder, the rest left to rot in the Nest or to become some freaky memorial like Kevin's. 

Riko's side is a memorial now.

The thought made his step falter as he neared the doors. He wondered if Riko's room and Kevin's room would stay the same as it has always been, a monument in the Nest to the sons of Exy. Number one and two. 

Everything in his room is probably ash by now. Number three wasn't a person, it was property.

Jean recognises the man waiting by the exit doors for him, if only because he's seen countless hours of film featuring the man's team.

Coach Rhemann paints an intimidating picture. With ebony dark skin and eyes, buzz cut hair, and a sharp twist to his mouth he definitely fits the description of what is expected from the coach of one of the best division one teams in college Exy, strong and determined.

Jean makes his way over towards him, his shoulders tense in anticipation, for what he's not sure. The foundation he had built his life on has crumbled under his feet and now he finds himself on the edge of a cliff waiting to fall into the unknown.

He stops just out of reach of Rhemann, just far away enough that he has time to react if the older man grabs for him. It's a pointless gesture though, Rhemann has been handed the chains to his life, Jean has little choice but to follow or risk suffocating himself with the collar that his own family put around his throat.

Rhemann gives him a once over, nodding his head a little before gesturing towards the doors.

"Got any baggage before we head out?"

Oh you have no idea.

Jean just shakes his head and follows coach Rhemann out of the doors towards a large grey truck. The harsh sunlight causes him to shield his eyes, unused to the warm weather and bright light after months spent holed up in the spare bedroom at Abby's, the foxes nurse, house. 

They don't speak on the way to campus but Rhemann doesn't seem angry or plotting. Just thoughtful. It makes Jean tense.

"The rest of the team isn't due back till about two weeks from now but Jeremy usually spends his breaks on campus so he's here right now". Coach says as they pull up in front of a large red brick building. He silently hands Jean a small stack of papers that he says contain information about registration and his class schedule as well as a small key ring containing keys to the apartment, the court, and the locker room.

"Jeremy said he would give you the whole tour and help you get settled. You got his number right?"

Jean nods.

"Okay I'll leave you here but just shoot me a text if you have any questions or need anything else".

Jean nods again before quickly making his way out of the car, before Rhemann can change his mind, and slinging his bag over his shoulder as he heads up the stairs to the room that he's supposed to share with the Trojan's captain Jeremy Knox.

Knox is an enigma. The infamous captain sunshine. The press loves him, so do the fans. They praise him as a saint, both for his sportsman-like conduct and his cheery demeanour. Jean knew that all of that had to be fake. There was no way a person like that could go on to captain the number two school in all of Exy. But that didn't answer any of his questions about the true nature of Jeremy's personality, the reality hidden under the smile and kind words.

It left him feeling unbalanced and uncertain. Logically he knew that his new owner and captain couldn't be worse than Riko. Riko's cruelty was all his own. Jean had been through hell and back, there was nothing that this man or this team could throw at him that hadn't been done to him a hundred times in the past. But that didn't lessen the feeling. 

With a knot of anxiety in his stomach he reached for the key that would open the door to his room. The thump of music that emerged from the inside made him jump in surprise initially but later gave way to confusion. He entered the room slowly, back facing the wall as he looked for the source of the music.

It didn't take much for him to find the kitchen, or the man making a fool out of himself inside it. Jeremy was singing along to the music playing from a small speaker by the fridge, some top forty song about calming down that was not calm in the slightest. His eyes were closed and his blond hair messy as he swayed to the beat, singing into a large wooden spoon. 

Jean was dumbfounded. Jeremy knew he was coming around this time, there's no reason why he should be acting like an idiot when he knew he might be seen. 

After a couple of very tense moments Jeremy finally clued into the fact that he had an audience. His eyes widened when he saw Jean and a sheepish, apologetic smile appeared on his face as he reached over to turn the music down.

"Hey man sorry about that I didn't realise you were here already," he said, without an ounce of true apology in his voice.

He gestured back to the mess he had made on the counter. "I'm making sandwiches and some potato salad for lunch before we head over for the tour," he said, going over to the sink to wash his hands quickly before making his way over toward Jean.

Jean kept a comfortable amount of space between their bodies, the fact that he only had a couple inches of a height difference on Jeremy did not make him feel more secure in the slightest. If Jeremy noticed his hesitation he didn't comment on it. 

"How was your flight?" he asked.

"Fine," Jean answered. Not sure what to do in the face of idle chit chat.

Jeremy didn't seem to mind his curt answers and instead began leading him around the room, showing where various things were and supplying answers for questions that Jean never asked.

"Bedrooms through that door and bathroom is the one right next to it", he gives Jeans lack of luggage a quick look. 

"Bedrooms stocked with the basics, sheets, pillows, etc. But there's still some stuff you're probably gonna need to get now that you're here. I was thinking of heading down to Target later if you wanna join, we can get everything we need there".

Jean just nods, uncomfortable with the idea of spending unnecessary time with Jeremy but unable to bear the thought of being alone.

Jeremy finishes his tour soon after and leaves Jean to get settled as he finishes making lunch.

Jean walks into the room that he's going to be sharing with Jeremy.

The lack of black shouldn't surprise him, neither should the sunlight streaming through the windows. 

One half of the room is clearly occupied, the bed outfitted with pale blue sheets, clothes and old school work spread throughout the space. 

The walls however are all Trojan.

Every ounce of available space is covered in either posters from past games, newspaper articles, or photos of the team, both professional and personal.

Jean's side of the room is shockingly bare compared to it. But he doesn't mind. Just like Jeremy's room is a reflection of his state of mind, so is Jean's.

He sets his bag on the adjacent bed, pulling the curtains back so he can look out the window. Silently grateful that he was given the bed closest to the sun. 

Jeremy knocks on the door, startling Jean out of his thoughts and asks him if he's ready to go. Saying they can eat on the way. Jean calls out an affirmative before grabbing his backpack and heading towards Jeremy.


	3. Sometimes quiet is violent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean's be uprooted from the only kind of life he ever knew and despite the circumstances that's never easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys thanks so much for the interest in my story:)
> 
> Music: All we do by Oh Wonder(again lol), Car Radio by twenty-one pilots
> 
> Warnings: Mention of self-harm, torture, and rape, and just general angst.

The car ride to the stadium is quiet. They finish their food quickly and the silence decends. Jeremy made some small attempts at conversation but at Jean's curt, one word answers he eventually gave up.

Jean is tense, the muscles in his thighs pulled tight under his hands, even through his sweatpants he can feel the amount of weight he lost while he was sequestered in Abby's house. If he doesn't start to make up all the practice he lost he is going to be punished, badly, and his body is so weak right now that he doesn't know if he would be able to fully recover.

The idea of being back on a court, even an unfamiliar one, is both a comfort and a source of anxiety. Jeremy is obviously taking him here to evaluate him and when his performance is less then acceptable he is going to break him. At least being broken, bleeding, and helpless on the court is nothing new for him. Small comforts.

He doesn't know how he's going to be able to step on a court after what happened to him the last time he was on it, much less hold a racket and play. He clenches his hands to the point of pain, anything to stop the memories.

Jeremy pulls his car up to the curb, shutting the engine off and grabbing his keys before making his way toward a building that is obviously the court. He leads Jean through a small door off to the side of the building, showing him which keys open what. He does a quick tour of the building, showing Jean the court but not bothering to go inside. Eventually they make their way into the locker room.

"Unfortunately we didn't have a number 3 left, you'd have to fight Kell for it and that would be quite an uncomfortable experience" he laughs, pointing out Jean's locker.

"Here's it. I gave you the number 29, hope that's okay, if its not just let me know and we can work something out", he says.

"It's fine". Jean doesn't remark on the cold pit that has descended into his stomach. Unimportant ravens were given two digit numbers, and numbers above 25 were practically a death sentence. 

Jean turns to his locker, opening it up as Jeremy makes his way across the room, busy on his phone. 

Jean's new jersey is on the top of his pile of new equipment, a dark red and gold exy jersey with the number 29 and Moreau above that. It feels surreal.

All at once a rush of emotions threaten to consume him and he clenches his fists around the jersey to keep from breaking down. 

There's nothing tying him down anymore, he never realised how much he depended on Riko and the Master, how much of himself that had been taken by them. And now with them gone there's so little of him left that he doesn't even feel like he exists anymore. Not like he really did before. But now he cannot connect to anything around him, constantly flipping between feeling too much and then feeling nothing. All the strings tying him to the world, to himself, have been cut and now he's floating through the sky, wanting to grab onto something to pull himself down but unable to move his hands.

Everything has changed and somehow it's worse than before.

The sound of another person entering the room snaps him out of his head, his instincts breaking through the fog of his mind. 

He takes a moment to compose his face before looking at the stranger. It's a middle aged woman with brown hair and eyes, she has a bag slung over her shoulder and a comfortable air around her. Coach Reymann trails behind her before gesturing to Jean.

"Jean this is Imogen, team nurse, Imogen this is Jean", he says.

Imogen walks up to Jean before sticking her hand out, after a few moments of hesitation he shakes her hand before stepping back.

If Imogen thinks anything about his behaviour is odd she doesn't say anything.

"Hello Jean nice to meet you. I'm Imogen, as you already know", she says, a slightly amused tone to her voice, "I heard you were coming in today so I figured we could get your mandatory medical examination out of the way before the rest of the team arrives in a few weeks". 

Jean's palms begin to sweat, he knew this was coming but he hoped that he might have more time for the scar on his face to fade and for his hair to grow out more, not to mention the other less obvious scars.

He nods, not trusting his voice.

"Good, my office is right through here", she says, leading him down the hall.

The beginning of the exam is similar to the ones he had with the Ravens; blood pressure, reflexes, eye checks, etc. But he is startled, if not surprised, when she asks him to remove his shirt. 

Imogen must see his hesitation because she says, "Jean, I know your coming from a rough situation, I've been briefed on your condition by Dr. Winfield but I have to access the situation myself".

Jean hesitates for a moment longer, before taking his sweatshirt off, refusing to meet her eyes, the last thing he wants to see is pity.

It doesn't matter, he knows what she's seeing anyway. The burn scares cover the majority of his torso, Riko liked how the thin skin of his ribs and stomach made Jean scream louder then when he tried burning his upper back. He was even more overjoyed when he learned that the skin on the inside of his thighs was even worse. 

His arms are almost bare of scars, that is if you don't look too closely and see the faded white lines that almost blend into his pale skin. But Jean hasn't cut his arms since he finished high school.

His back is where Riko went with his knives, the skin there his own personal canvas. The rough scar tissue a horrific illustration. 

The refuses to think about the bite mark scar on his shoulder.

He also knows what she is not seeing, she's not seeing the tattoo by his groin, nor the hundreds of little white scars that litter his thighs, unlike the ones on his arms, some of these are fresh, the skin bright red and irritated. 

Jean doesn't know how much time has passed, enough that he startles when Imogen clears her throat. 

"Thank you Jean, you can put your shirt back on", she says, her voice carefully controlled.

Jean does so quickly, still not meeting her eyes.

"Okay I just have a couple more routine questions before you're free to go".

"Did you get regular exams at Edgar Allen?"

"Yes".

"We have a policy at the school that once per term student athletes are required to attend a session with one of our campus therapists. Did you have a similar situation?"

Jean shakes his head, as if Riko would allow an outsider into the Ravens for something as trivial as this.

"Okay well you won't have to worry about that for a bit, we want you to get settled in before your first appointment".

He just nods.

The last thing she does is ask him a series of questions related to family health history and past injuries. Jean answers her as honestly and as quickly as he can, he doesn't want to think about his family.

"Okay last question, are you sexually active? And if you are, have you been tested in the last six months?"

Jean freezes at her question, a lie ready on his tongue but he is unable to let it flow through his lips. He starts to feel lightheaded, aware that his lack of response is a clear enough answer.

Imogen must have put the pieces together because after a moment of tense silence and rough breathing from Jean, she continues on as if he answered.

"Was protection used in these instances?" At his tense nod she says, "okay then it is not necessary to have a follow up".

He doesn't say anything. The weight of the world is heavy right now.

"Jean".

He doesn't say anything, refusing to meet her eyes.

"Jean".

Suddenly she is right in front of him, knelling down so he is forced to meet her eyes.

"Jean", she says again, like he's real.

"I'm sorry about what happened to you. I have to suggest that you go to the hospital, just in case, you don't want this to become a problem you have to deal with later. However, if you don't want to do that then please consider talking to someone about this, we have many staff I can refer you to or we can arrange for you to see someone outside of the facility if you'd prefer", she says, her voice kind but not patronising. 

Panic fills his chest, both from the situation and her suggestion. Suddenly he can't breath, his lungs are too tight and he's choking. He needs air. He needs to get out of here. He needs something...

He pushes himself roughly off the exam table, slamming through the door and into the locker room. He's lucky that Jeremy and Coach Reymann are busy in the later's office, nobody follows him as he makes his way out of the building and starts walking, not caring about the direction. 

Everything is too real around him, pushing into him, trying to fill the space.

But there's nothing there, everything that was once Jean Moreau has been taken from him, and now without Riko he's nothing, he's no one.


	4. their going to watch me disappear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist: Hurt by Johnny Cash, Pills by the Perishers, Liability by Lorde

Jean has been walking for almost half an hour by the time Jeremy catches up with him. He doesn't say anything when his truck pulls in next to Jean, he just reaches over the middle of the car to pop open the passenger side door, gesturing for Jean to get into the car. 

Jean doesn't even hesitate, the panic from the exam has faded, leaving behind a familiar sense of numbness, but he can feel the new edge of panic over his shoulder from being alone.

Ravens don't know how to be alone.

He pulls himself into the car, not offering an explanation for his sudden departure and Jeremy doesn't ask. Instead he turns up the radio a bit, bobbing his head along to the song that Jean doesn't know. 

Before long Jean realises that they have stopped heading in the direction of the dorms and the surroundings outside of the car are unfamiliar to him. His chest grows tight, a ball of fear and anger settling in. He shouldn't have left Imogen's office like that, a blatant display of weakness and disrespect. Now Jeremy, as his captain and new owner, is going to punish him for his disobedience.

The worst part was the unknown. Jean doesn’t know how Jeremy or Coach Rhemann deliver punishment. Over the years Riko's punishments became somewhat predictable, therefore making it easier to avoid or even manipulate them. 

Until that last day, the day he called Renee.

Jean hadn't been prepared for that.

Nothing could have prepared him for that.

Oddly enough the thought comforted him. No matter what Jeremy had planned for him, he would get through it and try to make sure it doesn't happen again, or at least for as long as he can. Nothing they do to him will be worse than what he's already experienced.

The anger solidifies in his stomach the longer they drive. He holds onto it, knowing that he needs something in order to ground himself. He can't afford to loose anymore of himself, and he doesn't even know how much left there is to loose.

They pull into an unfamiliar parking lot, packed with people and Jean feels a shiver run down his body. He has never liked having an audience.

Jeremy hopes out of the car, his stance light and carefree.

Jean follows after a moments hesitation, knowing that waiting only makes it worse.

Jeremy smiles at him as he exits the truck. Jean doesn't, won't, return it. Instead he just stares at him blankly, waiting for the smile to fade. He's tired of playing games.

The smile doesn't fade, instead Jeremy seems almost encouraged by his animosity. He gestures over his shoulder, "I figured we could go to Target before we went home". He must see Jean's confusion on his face because he elaborates. "I figured we could get everything we need here, they have practically everything, have you ever been to Target?" At the shake of his head Jeremy continues, "Oh they must just be a California thing, well here in California Target is pretty much the shit". Jean doesn't correct him on his assumption, even if they had Target in West Virginia he wouldn't have gone. He was taken to the United States and Evermore at twelve and he didn't see the sunlight again till his freshman year of college, and only then for away games and mandatory classes with the other Ravens.

He remains silent, unsure of the situation and what Jeremy expects from him. His body still tense from his earlier thoughts of pain. 

Jeremy doesn't appear to need an answer, he just smirks at Jean and makes his way into the store. After a few moments Jean reluctantly follows. Keeping a few feet between their bodies as he trails behind Jeremy into the unfamiliar store. 

Jeremy 

Jeremy doesn't know how to handle Jean. After he got the final confirmation that yes Jean will sign with the Trojans, he went immediately to Kevin for answers.   
He always knew the Ravens were bad, they played dirty and weren't afraid of hurting people to get what they want, both emotionally and physically. But after the craziness of last year, with Kevin's hand, Neil Josten, and Riko's death he began to understand that there was more to this situation than he expected, probably more than he could imagine. 

Kevin was reluctant if not surprised when Jeremy called. Jeremy could tell that Kevin was holding back some of the details but he wasn't sure he wanted to know them anyway. Talking to Kevin already felt like overstepping but as Jean's captain, and as person, he had to understand his head space in order to move forward. The little he got from Kevin was enough. 

Kevin told him that Jean had belonged to Riko, he couldn't explain why, just that he did for the past decade. He told him that this status of ownership gave Riko a lot of power over Jean. That he could basically do whatever he wanted to Jean without repercussions. He also explained the real reason Jean left the line last season. How Riko beat him within an inch of his life after the death of his father, how Renee Walker swooped in and saved him. 

Kevin didn't offer more and Jeremy didn't ask for more. He didn't miss the emotion that was still behind Kevin's voice whenever he mentioned Riko, despite everything he had done Kevin still seemed affected by his death. Before they said goodbye Kevin told him a couple last things.   
That Ravens don't know how to be alone.  
That Jeans going to need a hand in learning how to adjust to being his own person again.   
That Jeremy should call him if he needs to.   
That Jean only plays Exy for survival.   
That he's going to need something more then survival to keep living. 

Jeremy wasn't entirely sure what Kevin meant in regards to all of his statements but he resolved to help in the situations that he did understand. He made sure that he roomed with Jean, hoping that a semi familiar face would make it easier. Plus if he admitted it part of him wanted to be the reason Jean got better, he knew that that was selfish and stupid but he couldn't deny his own hero complex. How could he look at himself in the mirror if he stood by and convinced himself that Jean was someone else's problem. He was the reason Jean was on the Trojans, he was his captain, it was his responsibility and his responsibility alone. He didn't know how to live any other way.


End file.
